Do you get it? Chicago! Going! Chicagoing! Chicago-ing! It was so much better when Common rapped it!
For all of your livebloggggging needs for AWP 2009 Chicago, GET TO THIS.
You see that domain name, baby? We are thinking about THE FUTURE! The children are the future! Incorrect! The AWP Blog blogspot name without DATES are the future! You can't pigeonhole this!
Remember when Dr. Dre was all like 'It's the CHRONIC 2001' and we're all like 'WOW, CHRONIC 2001 THAT'S THE FUTURE' and now 2001 is LAME because of ENRON and The Concert for New York City, "a celebration of the strength, resilience, and pride of New York and America," and we're all like 'THANKS DR. DRE I JUST WANTED TO LISTEN TO THE CLEVER RHYMES OF KNOC-TURN'AL BUT NOW YOU'VE GOT ME ALL BUMMED OUT.'
So we're avoiding that! There was no 'awpliveblog is taken...how about awpliveblogapple.blogspot.com or awpliveblog696969420.blogspot.com or awpliveglog.blogspot.com' This be original!
Chicago!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Goodbye New York. :(
:(
It's been real.
It's okay though! I'm taking a piece of New York and AWP and the Book Fair and YOU MUST LEAVE THE BOOKFAIR AND BE COMPLETELY PACKED UP BY 5:30 with me, as I appear to have bronchitis! It's the writer's disease! It was probably caused by a routine sinus infection which I like to call 'Joyce Carol Oates'!
Thanx for reading! CU in 2009!
-B
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Frank McCourt Reading!
Frank McCourt: You know what's interesting? SCHOOLS! They're like little governments! But sometimes those little governments can't run themselves! Oh noes! They become corrupt and you know who suffers? THE CHILDREN. THE CHILDREN R R FUTURE
Enough about that. Let's talk about the conference! New York is so cool, isn't it? I <3 New York! I love Manhattan! I love Brooklyn! I love Queens! I love Staten Island! I love the other one!
I'm so glad that AWP is here this year. You know what sucks? San Francisco!
****"You know there are only two types of people in San Francisco...sightseers and homosexuals."****
****this is an actual quote. i swear on carolyn forche's life...i'm using quotation marks to note it because i know it would make him angry...suck my glyph, mccourt.****
Oh yeah. It's the truth! I'm done with all of this slovenly teaching mumbojumbo! It's time to branch out! Therefore, I present to you
FRANK MCCOURT'S GUIDE TO AMERICA! Póg mo thóin, gobshites!
You know there are only two types of people in Chicago...Mike Ditka and Jews, ya scanger!
You know there are only two types of people in Detroit...my ex-wife and transsexuals, twat!
You know there are only two types of people in Tallahassee...former members of the Symbiote Liberation Army and Somalians, ya ejit!
You know there are only two types of people in Chattanooga...the cast members of shortlived ABC sitcom 'Baby Talk' and les Quebecois, ya striapach!
You know there are only two types of people in Fairfax...war criminals of the now defunct Diadochi kingdom and people with muscular dystrophy, ya bitseach!
You know there are only two types of people in St. Paul...hibachi sous-chefs and the sons of Omani oil tycoons, ya cac ar oineach!
You know there are only two types of people in Carson City...Hamburgler fetishists and Neo-Luddites, ya bod!
You know there are only two types of people in Topeka...people who subscribe to 'Cracked' magazine and the lactose intolerant, ya tuilli!
You know there are only two types of people in Baltimore...the Mongrel Mob and those who don't know how to fold a burrito correctly, ya bastún!
You know there are only two types of people in Olympia...people with mustaches and baby-armed strippers, ya báltaí!
You know there are only two types of people in Wilmington...well...it's like San Francisco East, really.
WOO! I'M FRANK MCCOURT! I'M FUCKING CRAZY!
Enough about that. Let's talk about the conference! New York is so cool, isn't it? I <3 New York! I love Manhattan! I love Brooklyn! I love Queens! I love Staten Island! I love the other one!
I'm so glad that AWP is here this year. You know what sucks? San Francisco!
****"You know there are only two types of people in San Francisco...sightseers and homosexuals."****
****this is an actual quote. i swear on carolyn forche's life...i'm using quotation marks to note it because i know it would make him angry...suck my glyph, mccourt.****
Oh yeah. It's the truth! I'm done with all of this slovenly teaching mumbojumbo! It's time to branch out! Therefore, I present to you
FRANK MCCOURT'S GUIDE TO AMERICA! Póg mo thóin, gobshites!
You know there are only two types of people in Chicago...Mike Ditka and Jews, ya scanger!
You know there are only two types of people in Detroit...my ex-wife and transsexuals, twat!
You know there are only two types of people in Tallahassee...former members of the Symbiote Liberation Army and Somalians, ya ejit!
You know there are only two types of people in Chattanooga...the cast members of shortlived ABC sitcom 'Baby Talk' and les Quebecois, ya striapach!
You know there are only two types of people in Fairfax...war criminals of the now defunct Diadochi kingdom and people with muscular dystrophy, ya bitseach!
You know there are only two types of people in St. Paul...hibachi sous-chefs and the sons of Omani oil tycoons, ya cac ar oineach!
You know there are only two types of people in Carson City...Hamburgler fetishists and Neo-Luddites, ya bod!
You know there are only two types of people in Topeka...people who subscribe to 'Cracked' magazine and the lactose intolerant, ya tuilli!
You know there are only two types of people in Baltimore...the Mongrel Mob and those who don't know how to fold a burrito correctly, ya bastún!
You know there are only two types of people in Olympia...people with mustaches and baby-armed strippers, ya báltaí!
You know there are only two types of people in Wilmington...well...it's like San Francisco East, really.
WOO! I'M FRANK MCCOURT! I'M FUCKING CRAZY!
AWP 2008 Fun Facts!
-It's most popular conference ever! It has so many myspace friends the pages at the bottom are in the triple digits! And only about 100 of them are bands (like Vampire Weekend! They're so hot right now!), AND AWP deleted Tom! It was the first thing they did when they 'pimped their pro!' Myspace humor is always funny, right guys?
-The official tree of the conference was the Adansonia suarezensis, but it was disqualified because it was a baobob! Now it is a kauri which is better because you can wood panel 75,000 Buick LeSabres (or Regals!) with its trunk alone!
-The official language of AWP is 'smarmy'!
-Why are so many writers clustered in front of doorways, you ask? Because the official god of AWP is Janus! Also, it makes writers feel more at home, the space between the door jambs representing their cramped studio apartment that they are overpaying for or their small annexed room in a Firestone tire factory in the university town in which they reside. Or maybe it's a metaphor for their SOUL or their CRAFT? Also, Janus is the god of janitors, which is Alan Cheuse's other vocation! Go visit him at the Naylor Road School in Washington D.C. after 3:30pm Monday-Friday! You could try him at lunch, but chances are he's in the BOILER ROOM with Industrial Arts Teacher Paula Whyman eating a tuna sandwich on pumpernickel!
-The official hand cleaner of AWP is 'Pink Champagne Pearlescent Lotion Hand Cleaner'!
-The official scent of AWP is PATCHOULI! Personally, I suggest utilizing something more complex and less cliche: a topnote of verbena and bergamot...middle notes of vetiver and agarwood, and perhaps a strong basenote of Tonka bean and labdanum, but that's just the way I roll!
-The official question asked at AWP is 'What's your angle?' The proper response is 'Excuse me? What are you talking about?', not 'Acute' or 'Well, we suggest reading through one of our issues to find out what our 'angle' is, you smug scoffing ne'er do well. Go read 'The Wasteland' again, cum sock.'
-The median age is 33.4 years of age! This number is skewed by baby geniuses whose work is forthcoming in Meridian and Galway Kinnell! Galway Kinnell is so old (how old is he?) he's so old that Yvan Goll translated HIM!
-Its chief import is beards! Its chief export is a false sense of hope and camaraderie!
-Its largest body of water is the tears amassed on the pillow of Jonathan Safran Foer while he cries himself to sleep every night after masturbating furiously to his 'Idiot's Guide To Adobe InDesign' pirated PDF file! He makes unorthodox sounds while doing so! Some may call them extremely loud and incredibly close! Zing!
-The strongest radio station signal is 91.3 (WKZT) which broadcasts from underneath the Mid-American Review table! On endless loop are old installations of 'This American Life', so when someone says 'Did you hear today's 'This American Life'?' You can be like 'No, that show sucks.' Also Deniece Williams' 'Let's Hear It For The Boy'!
-Special Delicacies Found In The Area:
A donut made from crystals and the shed skin of a Mexican Burrowing Snake
Street lamb
Chocolate covered ant found at the Isotope table
Tootsie Roll (multiple places)
Yellowtail (white and red!) in paper Dixie cups found at various 'Table Parties'
AWPotpie
Splenda packets found at Starbucks
-The ratio of number of AWP goers to AWP sex offenders is 107 to 1!
-The unemployment rate is 38.9%!
-The official tree of the conference was the Adansonia suarezensis, but it was disqualified because it was a baobob! Now it is a kauri which is better because you can wood panel 75,000 Buick LeSabres (or Regals!) with its trunk alone!
-The official language of AWP is 'smarmy'!
-Why are so many writers clustered in front of doorways, you ask? Because the official god of AWP is Janus! Also, it makes writers feel more at home, the space between the door jambs representing their cramped studio apartment that they are overpaying for or their small annexed room in a Firestone tire factory in the university town in which they reside. Or maybe it's a metaphor for their SOUL or their CRAFT? Also, Janus is the god of janitors, which is Alan Cheuse's other vocation! Go visit him at the Naylor Road School in Washington D.C. after 3:30pm Monday-Friday! You could try him at lunch, but chances are he's in the BOILER ROOM with Industrial Arts Teacher Paula Whyman eating a tuna sandwich on pumpernickel!
-The official hand cleaner of AWP is 'Pink Champagne Pearlescent Lotion Hand Cleaner'!
-The official scent of AWP is PATCHOULI! Personally, I suggest utilizing something more complex and less cliche: a topnote of verbena and bergamot...middle notes of vetiver and agarwood, and perhaps a strong basenote of Tonka bean and labdanum, but that's just the way I roll!
-The official question asked at AWP is 'What's your angle?' The proper response is 'Excuse me? What are you talking about?', not 'Acute' or 'Well, we suggest reading through one of our issues to find out what our 'angle' is, you smug scoffing ne'er do well. Go read 'The Wasteland' again, cum sock.'
-The median age is 33.4 years of age! This number is skewed by baby geniuses whose work is forthcoming in Meridian and Galway Kinnell! Galway Kinnell is so old (how old is he?) he's so old that Yvan Goll translated HIM!
-Its chief import is beards! Its chief export is a false sense of hope and camaraderie!
-Its largest body of water is the tears amassed on the pillow of Jonathan Safran Foer while he cries himself to sleep every night after masturbating furiously to his 'Idiot's Guide To Adobe InDesign' pirated PDF file! He makes unorthodox sounds while doing so! Some may call them extremely loud and incredibly close! Zing!
-The strongest radio station signal is 91.3 (WKZT) which broadcasts from underneath the Mid-American Review table! On endless loop are old installations of 'This American Life', so when someone says 'Did you hear today's 'This American Life'?' You can be like 'No, that show sucks.' Also Deniece Williams' 'Let's Hear It For The Boy'!
-Special Delicacies Found In The Area:
A donut made from crystals and the shed skin of a Mexican Burrowing Snake
Street lamb
Chocolate covered ant found at the Isotope table
Tootsie Roll (multiple places)
Yellowtail (white and red!) in paper Dixie cups found at various 'Table Parties'
AWPotpie
Splenda packets found at Starbucks
-The ratio of number of AWP goers to AWP sex offenders is 107 to 1!
-The unemployment rate is 38.9%!
Help! I'm being attacked!
Wow! A free journal? Thanks! I do love reading! I hear that it has some long-term benefits similar to sugar pills and radiation treatment (the good kind!) I can't remember the last time anyone gave me anything for free!
What was that? Am I a writer? Why, I just so am! That's so funny that you asked that...I mean, who would have thought? How did you know? When most people guess what I do for a living, most people say 'advertising executive' or 'BeachBody Support Team' or 'President of the Republic of Seychelles', but never 'writer'! Are you psychic? If not, you totally should be.
Oh wow! A coaster! How did you know I liked to drink things AND that I have a coffee table? You really are amazing, literary journal representative. Do you have any more tricks up your sleeve? What's this made of, cork? Sweet! I love cork! I could put a glass of wine on this. Think of how ironic that would be! Get it?
Oh, well, wine is sealed with cork rather than being sold in bulk. Since a tree's bark can only be harvested six to nine years hence, supply is highly inelastic. However, not all is sunshine and Robert Olen Butler in cork land! Top quality corks are expensive, and no matter what the cost, have the risk of containing TCA Cork taint (like New Jersey!) and are susceptible to random oxydation due to their mechanical variablility. Cork contamination with harmless but foul-smelling trichloroanisole (TCA) is one of the primary causes of cork taint in wine. As a result, any cheaper brands have switched to lower quality cork, synthetic plastic stoppers, screwcaps, or other closures. Because synthetic stoppers do not dry out and shrink, wine bottles with synthetic corks do not have to be stored on their sides to prevent oxidizing; however, plastic "cork" can create other wine problems, notably what is called scalping where flavors are actually absorbed into the plastic making the wine less flavorful.
Perhaps I will curl up in my favorite Barcalounger and have myself a glass of my favorite red and read my NEW favorite literary magazine!
Man, this is great. I don't know why the higher quality journals that I love to read and have interesting and daring content don't do stuff like this.
*addendum* The gals at West Branch have some high quality coasters! Get to that!
*addendum 2* The folks at The Southern Review have mousepads! Sure, you may be thinking 'But with the advent of the optical mouse and how they illuminate the surface that they track over, using an LED or a laser diode as well as the processing by the image processing part of the chip and translation into movement on the two axes using an optical flow estimation algorithm making antiquated mousepads obsolete, what am I gonna do with this free mousepad straight out tha Bayou?' Well, to that I say: 'Coaster!'
What was that? Am I a writer? Why, I just so am! That's so funny that you asked that...I mean, who would have thought? How did you know? When most people guess what I do for a living, most people say 'advertising executive' or 'BeachBody Support Team' or 'President of the Republic of Seychelles', but never 'writer'! Are you psychic? If not, you totally should be.
Oh wow! A coaster! How did you know I liked to drink things AND that I have a coffee table? You really are amazing, literary journal representative. Do you have any more tricks up your sleeve? What's this made of, cork? Sweet! I love cork! I could put a glass of wine on this. Think of how ironic that would be! Get it?
Oh, well, wine is sealed with cork rather than being sold in bulk. Since a tree's bark can only be harvested six to nine years hence, supply is highly inelastic. However, not all is sunshine and Robert Olen Butler in cork land! Top quality corks are expensive, and no matter what the cost, have the risk of containing TCA Cork taint (like New Jersey!) and are susceptible to random oxydation due to their mechanical variablility. Cork contamination with harmless but foul-smelling trichloroanisole (TCA) is one of the primary causes of cork taint in wine. As a result, any cheaper brands have switched to lower quality cork, synthetic plastic stoppers, screwcaps, or other closures. Because synthetic stoppers do not dry out and shrink, wine bottles with synthetic corks do not have to be stored on their sides to prevent oxidizing; however, plastic "cork" can create other wine problems, notably what is called scalping where flavors are actually absorbed into the plastic making the wine less flavorful.
Perhaps I will curl up in my favorite Barcalounger and have myself a glass of my favorite red and read my NEW favorite literary magazine!
Man, this is great. I don't know why the higher quality journals that I love to read and have interesting and daring content don't do stuff like this.
*addendum* The gals at West Branch have some high quality coasters! Get to that!
*addendum 2* The folks at The Southern Review have mousepads! Sure, you may be thinking 'But with the advent of the optical mouse and how they illuminate the surface that they track over, using an LED or a laser diode as well as the processing by the image processing part of the chip and translation into movement on the two axes using an optical flow estimation algorithm making antiquated mousepads obsolete, what am I gonna do with this free mousepad straight out tha Bayou?' Well, to that I say: 'Coaster!'
Friday, February 1, 2008
Switchback/Sarabande/RedHen/RedMorning Reading!
This has been a really pleasant evening so far! I'm very much enjoying this Old Speckled Hen alcoholic beverage that I am imbibing, and the crowd behind me is just loud enough to be distracting to the poets that are irritating anyhow! It's a wonderfully good time! Everyone is counter-culture and cute!
Oh...Peggy Munson is not going to be joining us tonight? That's a shame. I was looking forward to hearing her read, as her poetry on the page is quite violent and kind of fun. Oh! Apparently she has made a DVD of her reading and sent it here to New York City for us to view! It's like a reading via satellite! Wow! I saw them do something like that on CNN once, except instead of poetry it was about strategic bombing, and instead of watching it on CNN in a comfy chair I bought at a yard sale, I'm watching it here, in New York, on a folding chair with all of these lovely people! What a treat! Technology has done so much for us these days. In this hustle and bustle world, I'm so happy we have technology and FinalCut Pro HD to help make the world seem like a smaller place.
*switchback femme presses play*
*black screen white text*
Oh! That must be Peggy. And an egg-beater. Personally, I buy EggBeaters. The Egg is already Beaten, so I don't have to beat the egg myself using an egg-beater. You should try it!
*black screen white text*
Whoa. That was a sweet transition! Personally, I would have gone with the starwipe. It's the Kristi Yamaguchi of film transitions!
Wait...now you're in the snow? Isn't it cold out there? Who is filming this? Did you film it yourself? If so, that's some great work. Did you put the camera on top of a Cheez-Its box to get the right height, and then realized that you needed a little bit more of an angle and go with a box of Mini-Frosted Chex? Amateur move.
*slow-motion snowball throw at the camera*
*more black and white transitions*
So, you've lost the use of your legs now? Was it from frost-bite? According to WebMD, you should put the affected area in water that registers at 107.6 degrees Fahrenheit (46 Celcius if you're British or Canadian, which I don't think you are). Did you remember to do that? No. Well, that explains it.
And you're hooked up to an oxygen tank now? Again from the cold? You must have bad asthma, huh. Instead of hitting the O2, you should have tried the Buteyko method! It works like a dream! Although I understand, those Russians can be a little tough to trust. Then again, prevention is the best cure!
*three minutes pass. Videopeggy is injecting her own blood into herself.*
Do you have tennis elbow? If so, that's a risky, yet effective treatment! Arantxa Sánchez Vicario sent me a text the other day, by the way. She says hi!
*two minutes pass. Videopeggy is sleeping in a field.*
One time I tweaked my back when I was attempting to wrestle John Irving. I was all like 'John, I hurt my back wrestling you!' and he called me a pussy and then told me to sleep outside on the hard ground. 'Ciderhouse rules!' he said. I didn't believe him. But THE NEXT MORNING I felt SOOOOOOO much better!
*another two minutes pass. Videopeggy is staring at the rain, which has been digitally placed in the frame.*
Didn't Prince write a song about this?
*another three minutes. Videopeggy is in the tub washing her shoulder.*
I think it's so great when poets and writers branch out into other mediums! I mean, some people are so artistic that they just can't keep it all in, so they sprinkle their talent into other things! It's like when OJ was in that one movie with that guy!
*Videopeggy is in bed looking like Lonelygirl15 of YouTube fame*
*Videopeggy is back in the egg beater room*
*Black and white transition...Videopeggy is back in bed and...STOP DVD*
*One second of English Premiere League soccer*
Switchbackangel: 'And we're going to take a short 8 to 10 minute break! Tip your bartenders!'
Oh...Peggy Munson is not going to be joining us tonight? That's a shame. I was looking forward to hearing her read, as her poetry on the page is quite violent and kind of fun. Oh! Apparently she has made a DVD of her reading and sent it here to New York City for us to view! It's like a reading via satellite! Wow! I saw them do something like that on CNN once, except instead of poetry it was about strategic bombing, and instead of watching it on CNN in a comfy chair I bought at a yard sale, I'm watching it here, in New York, on a folding chair with all of these lovely people! What a treat! Technology has done so much for us these days. In this hustle and bustle world, I'm so happy we have technology and FinalCut Pro HD to help make the world seem like a smaller place.
*switchback femme presses play*
*black screen white text*
Oh! That must be Peggy. And an egg-beater. Personally, I buy EggBeaters. The Egg is already Beaten, so I don't have to beat the egg myself using an egg-beater. You should try it!
*black screen white text*
Whoa. That was a sweet transition! Personally, I would have gone with the starwipe. It's the Kristi Yamaguchi of film transitions!
Wait...now you're in the snow? Isn't it cold out there? Who is filming this? Did you film it yourself? If so, that's some great work. Did you put the camera on top of a Cheez-Its box to get the right height, and then realized that you needed a little bit more of an angle and go with a box of Mini-Frosted Chex? Amateur move.
*slow-motion snowball throw at the camera*
*more black and white transitions*
So, you've lost the use of your legs now? Was it from frost-bite? According to WebMD, you should put the affected area in water that registers at 107.6 degrees Fahrenheit (46 Celcius if you're British or Canadian, which I don't think you are). Did you remember to do that? No. Well, that explains it.
And you're hooked up to an oxygen tank now? Again from the cold? You must have bad asthma, huh. Instead of hitting the O2, you should have tried the Buteyko method! It works like a dream! Although I understand, those Russians can be a little tough to trust. Then again, prevention is the best cure!
*three minutes pass. Videopeggy is injecting her own blood into herself.*
Do you have tennis elbow? If so, that's a risky, yet effective treatment! Arantxa Sánchez Vicario sent me a text the other day, by the way. She says hi!
*two minutes pass. Videopeggy is sleeping in a field.*
One time I tweaked my back when I was attempting to wrestle John Irving. I was all like 'John, I hurt my back wrestling you!' and he called me a pussy and then told me to sleep outside on the hard ground. 'Ciderhouse rules!' he said. I didn't believe him. But THE NEXT MORNING I felt SOOOOOOO much better!
*another two minutes pass. Videopeggy is staring at the rain, which has been digitally placed in the frame.*
Didn't Prince write a song about this?
*another three minutes. Videopeggy is in the tub washing her shoulder.*
I think it's so great when poets and writers branch out into other mediums! I mean, some people are so artistic that they just can't keep it all in, so they sprinkle their talent into other things! It's like when OJ was in that one movie with that guy!
*Videopeggy is in bed looking like Lonelygirl15 of YouTube fame*
*Videopeggy is back in the egg beater room*
*Black and white transition...Videopeggy is back in bed and...STOP DVD*
*One second of English Premiere League soccer*
Switchbackangel: 'And we're going to take a short 8 to 10 minute break! Tip your bartenders!'
Open Letter #2
Dear woman that was breast feeding near the watercooler at the book fair,
I really hope I didn't make you feel uncomfortable. I was just bending down to get myself a small Lichtenstein-sized paper cup so I could hydrate myself with some delicious Deer Park water, which just so happened to be in an unfortunate eye-line with the general area that could be considered your bosom. You slinked behind the pillar which was probably for the best, but I just wanted to let you know that myself, like the World Health Organization and the American Academy of Pediatrics fully support your decision. Also, Kathy Dettwyler is my homegirl.
I really hope I didn't make you feel uncomfortable. I was just bending down to get myself a small Lichtenstein-sized paper cup so I could hydrate myself with some delicious Deer Park water, which just so happened to be in an unfortunate eye-line with the general area that could be considered your bosom. You slinked behind the pillar which was probably for the best, but I just wanted to let you know that myself, like the World Health Organization and the American Academy of Pediatrics fully support your decision. Also, Kathy Dettwyler is my homegirl.
ALARM!
AN ALARM HAS BEEN SOUNDED AND IT IS BEING INVESTIGATED. AT THE CONCLUSION OF OUR INVESTIGATION OF THE CAUSE OF THE ALARM AS WELL AS THE SOUNDING OF THE ALARM, WE WILL SOUND AN ALARM TO ALARM YOU OF THE END OF THE INVESTIGATION OF THE CAUSE OF THE ALARM AS WELL AS WHAT THE INVESTIGATION OF THE CAUSE OF THE ALARM HAS CONCLUDED THE CAUSE OF THE ALARM AS WELL AS THE SOUNDING OF THE ALARM. YOU WILL BE NOTIFIED WHAT THE CAUSE OF THE ALARM IS WHEN WE ARE AWARE AS TO WHAT THE CAUSE OF THE ALARM IS VIA ALARM. DO NOT PANIC. WE ALL KNOW THAT YOU SAW WHAT 'WENT DOWN' HERE BACK IN THE 01 AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, YOU ALL SAW THE JJ ABRAMS JOINT 'CLOVERFIELD' IN WHICH A GIGANTIC ALIEN (IS IT AN ALIEN) ATTACKED NEW YORK CITY. DESPITE THE UTILIZATION OF HANDICAMS, WE WOULD LIKE TO INFORM YOU THAT NEW YORK WASN'T ACTUALLY DESTROYED **END SPOILER ALERT** AND THAT NEW YORK CITY AS WELL AS THE ASSOCIATION OF WRITERS AND WRITING PROGRAMS ANNUAL CONFERENCE ARE NOT DESTROYED. AT LEAST NOT YET, AS WE DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE SOURCE OF THE ALARM IS AT THIS TIME, BUT WHEN WE DO CONDUCT OUR INVESTIGATION OF THE CAUSE OF THE ALARM AND FIND OUT THE CAUSE OF THE ALARM IS, WE WILL ALARM YOU VIA ALARM OF THE CAUSE OF THE ALARM.
PLEASE DO NOT BE ALARMED.
Open Letter #1
Dear Girl that went to three of the same panels as I did,
Hello. You don't know who I am, but I don't know who you are, so we're even. I think you wore green, which just so happens to be ONE of my favorite colors. I am utilizing periods instead of exclamation points to prove to you that I am being super serious. Anyway, I found it quite funny that we attended the same panels! Isn't that wild!?
I think we're totally meant for each other; I mean, we obviously have a love for the same interests, which means that we would be fantastic life and potentially sexual partners. I think at some point I saw that you had a Starbucks cup as well. I LIKE COFFEE TOO! I mean, it could have been tea in there, but I also like hot beverages; I don't discriminate! Hot chocolate too!
Also, you wrote stuff down in a Moleskine! I think you and I might be the ONLY people in the world with one of those...what are the odds, really?
You have blonde hair! I like people with hair!
I hope that you read my blog. I think we could be perfect together. I could write stories about you, and you can write poems about me (or whatever it is that you write...it really doesn't matter...I love ALL writing!) and we could be published in the same journals and write little cute references in the contributor's notes like:
*NAME OMITTED* is a resident of Level 8-1 and has been published in such journals as *INSERT WHATEVER JOURNALS YOU FIND IMPRESSIVE HERE*. He is married to the author Penelope McGreenFoxyBabe. Hamburger Helper agaaaaaaain?
and
Penelope McGreenFoxyBabe is a resident of Onetown and has been published in such journals as *INSERT WHATEVER JOURNALS YOU FIND IMPRESSIVE HERE*. She is married to the author and NFL Defensive Lineman *NAME OMITTED*. No! Tuna Helper!
Think about it. It could be GREAT.
Side Note: If you think this might be you, USE THE COMMENTS! But if you are not attractive, it wasn't you. Sorry! *frownie face* And how can we be lovers if we can't be friends?
Hello. You don't know who I am, but I don't know who you are, so we're even. I think you wore green, which just so happens to be ONE of my favorite colors. I am utilizing periods instead of exclamation points to prove to you that I am being super serious. Anyway, I found it quite funny that we attended the same panels! Isn't that wild!?
I think we're totally meant for each other; I mean, we obviously have a love for the same interests, which means that we would be fantastic life and potentially sexual partners. I think at some point I saw that you had a Starbucks cup as well. I LIKE COFFEE TOO! I mean, it could have been tea in there, but I also like hot beverages; I don't discriminate! Hot chocolate too!
Also, you wrote stuff down in a Moleskine! I think you and I might be the ONLY people in the world with one of those...what are the odds, really?
You have blonde hair! I like people with hair!
I hope that you read my blog. I think we could be perfect together. I could write stories about you, and you can write poems about me (or whatever it is that you write...it really doesn't matter...I love ALL writing!) and we could be published in the same journals and write little cute references in the contributor's notes like:
*NAME OMITTED* is a resident of Level 8-1 and has been published in such journals as *INSERT WHATEVER JOURNALS YOU FIND IMPRESSIVE HERE*. He is married to the author Penelope McGreenFoxyBabe. Hamburger Helper agaaaaaaain?
and
Penelope McGreenFoxyBabe is a resident of Onetown and has been published in such journals as *INSERT WHATEVER JOURNALS YOU FIND IMPRESSIVE HERE*. She is married to the author and NFL Defensive Lineman *NAME OMITTED*. No! Tuna Helper!
Think about it. It could be GREAT.
Side Note: If you think this might be you, USE THE COMMENTS! But if you are not attractive, it wasn't you. Sorry! *frownie face* And how can we be lovers if we can't be friends?
How to have a successful panel!
1. Get your BFFs together!
2. Wear a suit, but don't wear a suit! Don't get your Beau Brummel on, ladies and gentlemen; imagine that you are showing up to the MTV Video Music Awards. (Sisqo has TOTALLY got it in the bag this year!)
3. Get a gigantic carafe of water with CUBED ICE. If it is crushed, SEND IT BACK. This ain't no Coney Island Sno-Cone festival, kemosabe. (In Maryland they put marshmallow fluff on their sno-cones! AWP DUNDALK '10.)
4. Practice reading in front of a mirror! If you cannot find a mirror, go to the salad bar at Applebees! There's one above the chickpeas! Also, you can enjoy some delicious American-style cuisine! Eatin' good in the neighborhood!
5. Make lots of jokes about drinking alcohol! This will loosen the crowd up and prove to everyone that you are 'hip' and 'cool' and that you are aware that there are beverages in this world that will 'get you kinda buzzed' if you drink enough of them! Hey! You know what beer is too? That's so cool! I can't wait to hear what you say about the use of potatoes in contemporary fiction!
6. Finish the panel early so that the crowd can ask questions like 'As a writer who writes stuff that's a *little* edgy, and maybe something that's not exactly the norm, what advice do you have for that person who's trying to get a book published in a haute-Jacobean writing culture?' or 'First of all, I loved what you had to say about the subject. Really fascinating stuff. What do you think about having a character that's actually seven characters in one, one of which is a Harlem Globetrotter AND Sepahbod Ahmad Amir-Ahmadi?' or 'How do characters in contemporary fiction react to advancements in robotics as well as sexual intercourse?'
Don't forget to shake hands with everyone after you're done; you're all superfriends now!
2. Wear a suit, but don't wear a suit! Don't get your Beau Brummel on, ladies and gentlemen; imagine that you are showing up to the MTV Video Music Awards. (Sisqo has TOTALLY got it in the bag this year!)
3. Get a gigantic carafe of water with CUBED ICE. If it is crushed, SEND IT BACK. This ain't no Coney Island Sno-Cone festival, kemosabe. (In Maryland they put marshmallow fluff on their sno-cones! AWP DUNDALK '10.)
4. Practice reading in front of a mirror! If you cannot find a mirror, go to the salad bar at Applebees! There's one above the chickpeas! Also, you can enjoy some delicious American-style cuisine! Eatin' good in the neighborhood!
5. Make lots of jokes about drinking alcohol! This will loosen the crowd up and prove to everyone that you are 'hip' and 'cool' and that you are aware that there are beverages in this world that will 'get you kinda buzzed' if you drink enough of them! Hey! You know what beer is too? That's so cool! I can't wait to hear what you say about the use of potatoes in contemporary fiction!
6. Finish the panel early so that the crowd can ask questions like 'As a writer who writes stuff that's a *little* edgy, and maybe something that's not exactly the norm, what advice do you have for that person who's trying to get a book published in a haute-Jacobean writing culture?' or 'First of all, I loved what you had to say about the subject. Really fascinating stuff. What do you think about having a character that's actually seven characters in one, one of which is a Harlem Globetrotter AND Sepahbod Ahmad Amir-Ahmadi?' or 'How do characters in contemporary fiction react to advancements in robotics as well as sexual intercourse?'
Don't forget to shake hands with everyone after you're done; you're all superfriends now!
I want to be a part of it!
If you finish the line I referenced in the title in the comments section, I'll give you free submission guidelines for Ploughshares! The REAL submission guidelines! None of this 12 point font Times New Roman double-spaced word count bougeois bullshit! (psst...it involves MS Comic Sans, glitter, and thinly sliced chorizo sausage!)
In THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS (personally, I like to have some strawberry Quik mixed with some Aristocrat gin...puts me right out. Or a crunkjuice bomb!) the hippest places are 'SO' New York because they remind you of somewhere else!
Only in New York can you find a bar that reminds you of California.
WRONG! GO TO SACRAMENTO! THERE ARE AT LEAST SEVEN OR EIGHT BARS LIKE THAT!
New York is a melting pot! Just like that fondue restaurant! Take your significant other there! Significant others love boiling oil!
I saw a man on the subway wearing a Yankees hat and eating a slice of pizza! Only in New York!
Or only in Epcot! I love Epcot! I wish there was an Epcot in New York! I could really go for some Chinese food!
I know! I'll go to the mall food court! Panda Express Yourself!
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Mind if I ask you a few questions?
Hi Tim Appelo!
You came to the booth that I was manning today and started asking me questions about poetry! I don't know much about poetry, but I know much about you! I used google! You are from Seattle! You were an editor at Entertainment Weekly! You were a music critic at People Magazine! (AARP card carrying musician = 'A dynamic shift in tone and a defeatist nature towards the world and society. The sound is hardened and earnest and reflects a lot on *oldname*'s new granddaughter and fight with lupus. A perfect addition to anyone's collection. 5 Starz! An Artist To Watch! Pick O' Tha Week! Automatic 4.2 from Pitchfork!)
When you took my name down, I took your name down. I don't know what hijinks you have planned with my *very* quotable quotes that you're bringing back to the Poetry Foundation (aka TheFoundation), but you just got blogged, son.
Also, Kurt Cobain died because a bullet went through his brain. Poetry hasn't killed anyone since Sharon Olds used the primacy of the image to slay a DRAGON!
Registration!
Why hello there sorryfaced AWP volunteer! Why so glum? You are giving me a small representative of hope and starry-eyed gosh-darn beautiful optimism in the form of a laminated 2x4 card with my name in italics over a swanky purple (purple!) AWP logo! Wow! Last year it looked like something that I made in Mario Paint when I wanted an extra lunch period during middle school! This is most definitely PaintShopPro territory! Way2Go Ron Tanner and Melissa Hammerle! If only your assistants manning the I-O booth had the pop and vivacity of desktop publishing software all-star UndoGuy from KidPix then, maybe, just maybe, treasurer Scott Nadelson wouldn't cry himself to sleep every night. Customer service = $$$! Also bottled water!
Sorryfaced AWP volunteer, you were also oh so sad when you handed me my super awesome 2K8 totebag! Redesigned for the 2008 Bookfair Season, this totebag handles like a dream (perhaps about Natasha Tretheway! Have you seen her author photo? She makes Nell Freudenberger look like Joan Didion! Though maybe it's the author photo angles we discussed prior!). Like the Model T, you can get it in any color you want, as long as it's black! (Qing Dynasty Joke!) There is writing on it! Thanks for the donation, donators! I am not recognizing your monetary and/or cupcaked contribution to 2008 AWP! Take that Western Kentucky! Betty Crocker beats Duncan Hines anyday, losers.
Also, if I'm not mistaken, the volume of the bag has increased from last year! (though last year the outside of the bag had a peach on it, which is my third favorite drupe behind cherries and plums! +1 Atlanta!) Unfortunately it still is unable to hold one issue of 9th Letter! Get a subscription and give the mailman the hernia! You need that intestine to digest that 28 dollar waffle you're gonna drunkenly order later via room service!
OH MY GOD THERE'S A ZIPPER. FUCK YES. I CAN HIDE THE FACT I GUILT-BOUGHT AN UNDERGRADUATE JOURNAL BECAUSE I WANTED TO FLIRT WITH UNDERGRADUATE CREATIVE WRITING MAJORS. (+30 NYC!)
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Hotel Room!
I just watched a three hour block of 'Sex and the City', 'Seinfeld', and 'King of Queens'. That's so meta! I LOVE NEW YORK!
I'm Here!
Whoa nelly! What a wild and crazy trip that was! Look at all of these other interneter bloggerers eating up valuable broadband in the Sheraton New York! (Note! Not the New York Sheraton! There is a dramatic pause before you stay 'New York'...hold it for three beats!) I think that everyone here is checking their makeoutclub accounts, or perhaps giving themselves a 10 on hotornot.com! (I'm a 7.5 which is tragically average! And I utilized angels, angles, and poor lighting to my internet advantage! More Megapixels? More like more Megaacne!) Maybe they are on YouTube?
We flew into Newark/New York Liberty International Airport! It used to be called Newark International Airport but that was before Al-Qaeda! Liberty is defined as the identification in which an individual has the ability to act according to his or her own will as long as it doesn't involve bringing refreshing Dasani or by punching a flight attendant in the ovary for not giving you the whole can of Minute Maid!
Jason 'He's So Hot Right Now' Bredle calls New Jersey the taint of America. Damn right! He not only is well versed in colloquial poetry with pop culture references that speak to my generation, but he knows his human anatomy! Without the taint we would all die and there would be no way to connect Delaware (the penis and/or vagina, depending on the jetstreams that particular day) and New York (anus!) and the northeast cooridor would be slightly less ravishing! Plus, like the perineum, New Jersey has perineal pouches (Seaside Heights, Lavalette) that are superficial and deep (like Amiri Baraka!), an ischioanal fossa (like a fat Walt Whitman!), and the anal canal (I-287) and pudental canal (the Delaware Water Gap!) Three cheers for anogenital distance! Three cheers for New Jersey! Although the flying a giant steel contraption (Wright Broz 4 Life) into said taint makes no sense sexually! That's bogus, Jason! And there was such hope for a crude conceit.
There was some dude on New Jersey Transit (slogan: The Way To Go Except When We Are Not Running Due To High Winds So You Need To Ask An AirTrain Representative Who Will Tell You Where You Can Find A Bus Which Is From The Latin Omnibus Which Means For All Whereas A Train Is Only For Some Especially When There Are High Winds) who talked about his GIRLFRIEND and DRUGS and REHAB (PHAROAHE MONCH REMIX) on his CELL PHONE. I turned to my friend, well published fiction author *name ommitted* and said 'Wow, you should use that in one of your stories, LOL!' It's gonna be the best story ever!
I hope I meet Sarah Jessica Parker today...that'd be sooooo perfect, but ironic too! I mean, everyone is all like 'Maybe you'll see Sarah Jessica Parker!' and I'm like 'Yeah, right, what are the odds of that happening, seeing Sarah Jessica Parker?' but then I could be like 'I saw Sarah Jessica Parker!' and someone else will be like 'No way, you so didn't see Sarah Jessica Parker!' Haha
I'm going to Sbarro's!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Pre-Game!
Hi! Welcome to the AWP 2008 Live Weblog sponsored by CHEETOS and PEPSI-COLA and LAURA INGALLS WILDER (but not her sister MARY INGALLS WILDER, because she was blind, and despite her sister's best fictionalized wishes (played by Melissa Sue Anderson in the popular television series 'Little House On The Prairie' who was later famous for her gripping role in the television earthquake melodrama extravaganza bildingsroman '10.5 Apocalypse), never had gotten married and found someone to love her for WHO SHE WAS) and INTERNET!
What is AWP? Well, it's the Association of Writers & Writing Programs! Why is it not called AWWP? Because that is the acronym for the Al Wabra Wildlife Preservation, of course! The Al Wabra Wildlife Preservation (AWWP, not AWP!) is a farm and breeding sight for exotic endangered creatures in central Qatar! Rumor has it that in late 1973, founding member of Robert S. Huckabee (not his real name) contacted Sheikh Saoud Bin Mohammed Bin Ali Al Thani to see if both the wildlife reserve and the AWP we know and love today could both be referred to as AWWP. He said 'NO DUDE!' and cited the similarities could cause some confusion which is understandable; I often view Kim Addonizio as an exotic Arabian Oryx and Mark Doty as a Dama Gazelle Buck! Whoa tiger! (not found on the reserve, BTW, don't go looking!)
Every year AWP has a 'jump-off' (as the kidz say, those kidz!) where everyone gets together and has a big old conference where there are lots of fun things such as panels as 'YOUR ROLE AS SOMEONE NOT AS AWESOME AS I AM IN MY FIELD IN MY FIELD' and readings and bookfairs and mai-tais and fantasticness! This year it is in what people like to call 'The Big Apple' (Manhattan Island is the shape of an apple and it is quite large, that is why it is called the Big Apple! Also it goes perfectly with 'The Big Cinnamon' which is what people in the know, such as myself, call New Jersey!)
If you don't know what city I'm talking about, it's TAMPA FLORIDA! JUST KIDDING! IT'S NEW YORK CITY! I <3 NYC!
Anyway, to prep you for AWP, lads and lasses, I present to you::::
The ESPN.COM Power Rankings as brought to you by expert introducer Mark Jarman!
1. John Irving (16-0)
If Napoleon Kaufmann and Emily Bronte had slow kind of weird sex that produced a child, it would be John Irving. Beware of his awesome wrestling skills. Constant references to New England may insinuate a working relationship with Bill Belichick; would also explain the staggering divorce rates in his fiction.
2. Yusef Komunyakaa (15-1)
If Gale Sayers and Emily Dickenson had a beautiful baby boy, it would
be Yusef Komunyakaa. Plays like a mythological amalgamation of
multiple animals, except kinda subdued about the whole thing.
3. Mark Strand (13-3)
If Jim Kelly and an attractive female dinosaur reproduced, it would be
Mark Strand. Mark 'Blizzardman, Master of the Universe' Strand is not
to be underestimated, I mean, he did manage to be the poet laureate of
the United States despite being one of them goddamned Canadians.
4. Carolyn Forche (13-3)
If Walt Whitman's twin sister and Felix Gouin had relations, it would be Carolyn Forche. Carolyn 'Why Did We Go To The Mets Game? Ah yes, it was' Forche is a field colonel, which is even more impressive than a 'Field General', which is just a fancy way of someone saying that a quarterback is somewhat more competent than an 11-year-old kid from Football Town USA!
5. Robert Pinksy (10-5)
If the female version of Bugs Bunny and Dallas Clark made a baby, it
would be Robert Pinsky. Robert 'If you are playing pin the tail on
the donkey, except instead of a donkey you had a winter Olympic
athlete, the object of the game would be to' Pinsky is from New
Jersey, which makes him shifty.
6. Joyce Carol Oates (7-9)
If Lil' Wayne and a more irritating Flannery O'Connor were proliferate
in their lovemaking thus creating an embryo that would grow within
evil Flannery O'Connor's uterus, it would be Joyce Carol Oates.
Joyce Carol 'Bart' Oates is the literary equivalent to Shaun
Alexander. Three yards up the middle. Fall down. Repeat 57 times a
game.
7. Jonathan Safran Foer (5-10)
If a mommy and daddy love each other very much, and that mommy and
daddy just happen to be the parents of Jonathan Safran Foer, the
consummation of their love would be Jonathan Safran Foer. Would be
ranked higher, but the triple option throwback Hail Mary on EVERY
play? Also, Harry Siegel might be disguised as a Dallas Cowgirl and
attempt to upend him.
32. Louise Gluck (0-16)
You can't read with a broken wrist? Weak.
Wow! Thanks Mark Jarman! You're the best! I loved your work in 'A Christmas Story'!
I will be your whirlwind tour de force awesomeness through this WILD AND CRAZY WEEKEND THAT IS KNOWN AS AWP WEEKEND WHICH TAKES PLACE JANUARY 30TH THROUGH FEBURARY 2ND.
I could list my vast and fabulous publication record (street cred!) though I will eliminate pure fact and whimsy from this argument, and leave you with gems from last year's AWP (which I attended!) in ATLANTA GEORGIA (home of George Washington Carver and Andre Rison!):
A. I ate an omelette the size of Frank McCourt's forehead! (I measured!)
B. I hit on the same 24 year olds that Steve Almond did! (They were HOTT!)
C. Albert Goldbarth insulted my sexual prowess to my face! (True story!)
Shazam! I am totally qualified and I am totally taking the world by storm! And by the world I mean The Association of Writers & Writing Programs 2008 Conference & Bookfair!
Because to someone you might mean the world.
Updates soon!
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